and just like that it’s over. I’m no stranger to losing friends. This is a little harder than any time before but I have a head start already. I’ll be fine. I already am. All of this will make me better. I refuse to let tonight set me back. I was wronged, regardless of what was said. I was disrespected and I have been for quite some time now. I’m letting that all go though.  I know that one day, whether it’s sooner or later, everything will fall into place. For now, I won’t be worrying about it anymore. Erased. It’s done. 

I didn’t want to cry today and I didn’t. Just one tear. I didn’t think today would be this hard. Christmas was always our thing. I thought we wouldn’t be spending this one apart but this is life now. I’m getting used to it but it doesn’t mean I don’t miss it all. Second holiday down without you. This list is only going to get longer. Suck it up, Natalie. 

You know, I said a while ago that if someone else is going to make you happy then I’ll be happy for you. I meant it. I pushed that to the side a bit because I’m so angry at you. I’m still angry, so angry because I’m not worth the kind of respect I deserve from you. So angry because you’ve changed into someone I never thought you could become; a boy who jumps from girl to girl and who says the same thing to every single one of them making none of what we had special anyways. A boy who won’t even give the girl he claims to love a second to say goodbye with a real apology. I hate holding grudges but I expected more from you. I hope one day I’ll get what I expected.  

BUT if some other girl is going to make you happier than I did, I’ll get over it. Some boy has made me happier than you have, in recent months at least. I don’t post it everywhere so you can see it and be hurt by it but if you want to do that and be mean and hurt me and say you “upgraded,” that’s on you. I’ll get over it. I always get over it. I just decided that. You’re not going to want to be with me either way so what’s the point? If this isn’t maturing, I don’t know what is. There’s no point in fighting it. I still wake up missing you but that will fade. I still want you to be happy, as much as I can’t even bear to see your name these days. Have a nice life. You claim it’s better without me so you’re one step ahead. I hope you do all the things you’ve always planned to. I hope you don’t lose yourself too much more. I hope you can find a girl who will help you realize that. Underneath this disgusting person you’re trying to be, you deserve it. Enjoy. 

“I tried.” My favorite of the bullshit I’ve heard today. NO ACTUALLY. I tried. I gave my all since the beginning of october with nothing but a broken heart to show for it. I poured my heart out to you. Every single day since then. Yet your out trying to find love with 6 other girls, doing who knows what as I sit around and wait for you to notice me. You want me to be your friend and take it slow and give me all this bullshit that you want to be with me now that I’m saying I need a break. I understand what “take it slow” means but you’re not even giving me the time of day as of two days ago. Yet you tried? I remember me crying and begging for you back. I remember me saying I’d drop my friends. I’d change my ways if it meant I could be with you again. I never heard any of that shit from you. Just a “this isn’t going to work” the first time things weren’t going your way.  If “I tried” helps you sleep at night, keep telling yourself that. Everyone who knows our story knows it’s not true. You’re miserable. You said it today. You know you’re only going to be happy with me. I think it’s finally sinking into your thick skull. Blame this all on me. Say I’m emotionally unstable. I know and I’m working on it. You’re more lost than I am. Just own up to it. Own up to your mistakes like a real man would. You claim respect is greater than anything else yet you haven’t shown me a bit of it. Yet when I made mistakes you said we’d never be together again. Yet I know you’re lying to me and I’m still ready to make this work if you would just give me a bit of attention. Like I always said I would. You’re losing me. I’m almost gone. You better wise up and see that. 

You know, we’re supposed to be friends now but I don’t know if this is going to work. I don’t want to sit around and hear about all the other girls you’re with and catch you in lies. I want to be with you and you want to be with me but we’re just playing games for some reason. I think I’m done with all of them for a bit. I can’t do this where I feel like complete shit and absolutely nothing to you. You were talking about seeing a sunset tonight and you didn’t know who you’d take with you, yet I wasn’t even an option. I hate not feeling special to you. Even if we happen to go out, I know you’re doing it for every other girl that you’re seeing. You say you have no interest in them but they’re still more important than me. I can’t do this anymore. I need something new and I was hoping that would mean starting again with you but I don’t see that happening. I’m done feeling like a piece of shit and being so hard on myself because I’m not the problem anymore. You are. You’re scared. You’re lost. Not me. For once. You say I’m disgusting because I go out and drink with my friends but at least I’m not out “looking for love.” You know I’d stop all of that if I had a reason to, that reason being you. You know that I’d be exactly what you’re telling me you’re looking for yet you won’t give me a chance to do that. I’m actually starting to enjoy myself again and I’m still not good enough for you. So let me go then. If I’m not the gem you’re looking for, let me go. I don’t know if this makes sense to anyone else. idk this isn’t even making me feel better like it usually does. 

I’m done being sad, until probably some point tomorrow. I wish I could stop these mood swings but that’s how us Cancer’s operate. I’m such a Cancer it actually hurts. I know life will just fall right into place if I stop fucking worrying but I can’t stop. I just need some sort of answer so I can decide which way I have to sway. All I’m getting is “idk” which is why I’m actually going insane. AHHHHHHHHHHH. Screaming into my pillow man. This is so annoying. I’ve dealt with some stupid shit over the past couple of years but this is by far the dumbest ever. Why are we doing this to ourselves? 

I just read a poem about showering together. Instantly brought back to that weekend. The same way I’m brought back whenever I’m really comfortable in bed. That’s the reason there’s still that little bit of faith left for us in me. I bet you don’t even think about all of those times we’ve had together. Those two years we built together. The love we had. I know you don’t. You don’t want to upset yourself but you should. It will put things into perspective for you. Yeah it hurts. I don’t want to sit here and be reminded of us squished into a mini shower, not doing anything but actually washing ourselves because the water was freezing cold and when I made you wash my hair for me. The way we couldn’t stop giggling. I don’t want to think about how disgustingly happy we were and then see where we are now. Lost and searching but we’ll never find what we had, except for in each other.  We’re going to be reminded of these things. I know I am more than a couple of times a day, usually at the points when I’m giving up on that last bit of faith in us since I do that more than once a day these days too. There’s a reason you can’t tell me to leave you alone for good. There’s a reason I’m still hanging in there. There is.

It really sucks that you say “you love me so much.” I should be happy but I just can’t believe you. I know that’s horrible for me to say and I know it’s not true when I do. You just have an incredibly horrible way of showing it. The way you’ve been treating me lately, throwing all of your other girls in my face as if I don’t already think about it 24/7 that they’re all trying to take my spot. Tweeting saying you want to fall in love or you fall in love or about love in general like what we had wasn’t special to you at all. This whole thing is just killing me. I wish you would open your eyes and see what I’m trying to do here. Stop being so stubborn and thickheaded like usual and see that you’re going to completely lose me. Please. 

My friends reminded me last night that I do everything I say I’m not going to do, unintentionally. Yet I always say I’m not going to give up on this and I haven’t. I kind of don’t want this to be the thing I stick to anymore. I’m so sick of getting hurt and looking stupid and feeling vulnerable. It’s always something. I’m trying or I was. I was trying all my heart could take. Rejection never hurt so much. Love should be enough. it is for me yet that means absolutely nothing to you. I’d rather you tell me you don’t love me anymore than lie and tell me you do. You would be with me if you did and that’s just the god’s honest truth. Instead you’re sneaking around with girls that I’m supposedly ‘friends’ with when you’re supposedly with someone else then coming and telling me about it as if I want to know. Everything we talk about that isn’t about us, is something you’re trying to make me jealous with. As if my heart could take anymore of it. You don’t know what you want but you seemed to have decided that it’s not me. I think I have to just take the hint now. I’m just hurting myself by staying. Whether it’s for good or not, now is not our time. It sucks because Christmas is coming up and that was my favorite time with you. It also sucks because I’m making moves in my life that you’d be proud of but you don’t care enough to see them or even ask me about anything going on in my life. I never thought we would come to this. Fix You is playing right now. “If you never try then you’ll never know just what you’re worth.” I tried and I can tell that I am absolutely worthless in your eyes. I tried and found out than I’m worth more than the way I’m being treated. I just can’t do this anymore. Losing you sounds like the worst thing but I’ve already lost you. Now I’m just clinging to something that isn’t there. I have to think of myself for once before I completely lose what I have left of myself. I thought of all of this as I was washing my face this morning. 

One holiday down without you. I hated every second of it. I miss you so much. Thank god my family isn’t the type to ask about you. I wouldn’t even know what to say if they did. Our conversations are harder these days. It really just sucks. All of this. I hope you see I’m trying. I hate that you can’t give me any credit for that. I wish you would let me show you what I’m trying to be. There’s so many things that my heart is wishing right now that I just know realistically won’t ever come true. 

Today was gonna be the day but they’ll never throw it back to you

By now you shoulda somehow realized what you’re not to do

I don’t believe that anybody feels the way I do about you now

And all the roads that lead you there were winding

And all the lights that light the way are blinding

There are many things that I would like to say to you

But I don’t know how

I said maybe

You’re gonna be the one that saves me

And after all

You’re my wonderwall.

Day one. Hard. So so hard. I might have to unfollow your twitter again. Even though that means nothing because everyone on planet earth knows how much I creep. Especially seeing how you love making someone happy.. and that someone isn’t me. And I literally just can’t take it. This just sucks, you know? I hope you do. You still care. I don’t even know. It’s impossible to get over something when love and feelings are still there. Eventually the feelings fade. It’s happened already, otherwise we wouldn’t be here. I just didn’t think it would ever actually happen. I know I need to get over it. Stop talking about it. Stop thinking about it. Stop wondering about it. But you know me better than that. I’m still going to write every day. Probably just not on here. I don’t want to look pathetic. Ugh wow this is not what I want at all. I just know I’m not what you want so I’m just trying to spare the fighting that will occur if I’m still around. I just can’t get over that you don’t want me anymore. I obviously ruined my last chance. I really just don’t know how to give up on us. today was torture. My chest is in so much pain and I’m shaking again. Can’t tell if it’s because it’s cold in my room or I’m freaking myself out again. Fuckkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk. 

I remember I titled one of my posts about you a long time ago “the end of an era.” I actually think that’s now. There’s a change in the air. The fighting is over. I’ll always have a little bit of it left in my heart for you but I’ll repress it. I want you to be happy. If you want to be happy with someone else, okay. It will kill me every single day but if that’s what you want, I can’t force you to want to be with me. I guess this is actually growing up. You said you wanted me to be more mature so that’s what I’ll be for you. Regardless of what we’ve been through, I still love you more than I ever loved anything or anyone. At one time, we were all we could ever want. I’ll see you around. 

How many times do I have to say I’m sorry for you to believe me and forgive me? That’s all I want to hear. “I forgive you.” I know I’m a piece of shit. Not saying you’re much better but I was worse. I want to make it up to you. My lapse of judgement was that. I wasn’t thinking. You know if I was sober, we wouldn’t be where we are now. I know what I said and I actually still mean it. I’ll never be as comfortable as we were with anyone. Being with someone else made me realize that. That’s just something you’ll never believe when I tell you but it’s the gods honest truth. 

I can feel myself dying from the inside out. I’ve had this aching in my heart since May. I know how to get rid of it but you don’t want that right now. I get that. I was that this summer. You’re the only one I want and it kills me that you’re right there but I can’t have you like I want to. I have to respect what you want too though. That’s what love is. I know I can’t rely on you like I used to. I don’t need you like I once did. Things are more different than we ever could have imagined they would ever be between us. Regardless of if we’re ‘in love’ anymore, I still love you more than I’ve ever loved anything. You’re still the person I’m thinking about, even if it’s in the back of my mind sometimes. You’re still the one I want to run to when I have a hard day and I need a hug. Whether or not you feel that for me, that’s how it is for me. I know I’m not your favorite girl anymore. I know you don’t miss me. You only have negative feelings towards me. That sucks so much but it’s my fault. Ugh. I’m trying to move on from this. I just wish you were by my side. 

I keep opening this to write but nothing is coming out. I don’t even know what’s going on. Words can’t be formed. All I know is I was crying over all of this last night. Actual sad tears, not just frustrated ones like usual. Because I’m being treated unfairly. Because I’m over this. Because I want this to work out so badly. I’m doing every single thing that is asked of me. You don’t want me around so I’m not around. It seems like that helped you make your decision. I just wish you would actually talk to me about it. I refuse to be walked all over. Go out of my way and do things for you, do things for us all while having to share you (even though you say that’s not true.) If it was ‘only us’ like you say, this wouldn’t be happening. If you could actually forgive me, we could move forward. I want to go back to somewhat normal and be the girl you run to, spend your time with, go out and have fun with. Not the girl you fight with and you’re embarrassed of. Not the girl you put down. It’s sad that I want to be all of these things for you, yet I expect nothing from you. I’ll take you how you are. Wow. I just realized that as I wrote it. I guess I could write more than I expected I could. I have to stop. It’s the same shit over and over. I’m bored of it all. I just don’t know how to give this up. We’ve come too far and too close to lose it. That’s what I think. 

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